Chapter 640 Jin Shui Tang Tang, and Jun Chang Jue
The past and present lives are superimposed, and Su Chengyi can be regarded as having lived for decades, always with a calm and self-possessed attitude, like an emotionless bystander I also passed through the vigorous joys and sorrows of many people, but in fact few were moved by them.
When Su Zelang and Yang Liu divorced, he squatted at the door of the Civil Affairs Bureau, watching the ants busy in front of the tree, trying to separate and analyze the body of a beetle.
The scorching sun fell in front of him through the gaps in the leaves, which was a bit dazzling.
“Do you want to be with dad or mom?”
I don’t know which one of them raised such a question.
Su Chengyi quietly observed the ant's route into the cement gap before raising his head.
“I don’t want to be with anyone.”
He was not out of anger when he said this, but he felt that the tension in front of him seemed to be about to explode at the slightest moment. Before anger, no one has the ability to raise a child well.
We are all ordinary people, and it is normal to have mixed feelings about love and hate.
Su Chengyi knew at that time that the love between them would not die, it would just turn into a bad relationship and they would be entangled for a lifetime, and they would argue endlessly even on the road to hell.
When my grandfather was ill, his condition was not too bad at first.
I never trouble the caregiver when I can do things by myself. I insist on going downstairs for a walk every day, and occasionally recite poems with great enthusiasm.
If he brought his beloved erhu with him, he might even play "Autumn Moon in the Han Palace" to the patients in the ward.
Su Chengyi went straight to the hospital after school every day, set up a small stool and lay down next to the hospital bed to do his homework. Sometimes his grandfather would criticize his non-standard writing posture, and sooner or later his myopia would turn into a small spectacle.
Su Chengyi didn't say anything. He just pointed at the blank space on the test paper and said he couldn't do it.
"Hey! I can't even remember this, but what's the point? If I don't memorize the whole article today, I won't be allowed to run to the hospital again tomorrow."
Grandpa knocked on his head, shook his head and sighed Road:
"Farewell, when will you come back? Let's put it among the white deer and the green cliff. You can memorize this song "Sleepwalking Tianmu's Song to Leave Farewell" in the second grade of elementary school."
Su Chengyi nodded while suppressing a smile, and spoke fluently. Finish writing the answers on the paper.
In fact, how could he not remember? Learning was originally his domain.
But on the other hand, what he lacks is the ability to observe words and emotions.
That's why Su Chengyi didn't notice Su Zelang's forced smile, Yang Liu's increasingly haggard eyes, and the long sigh that the doctor and nurse couldn't help but sigh after completing the rounds.
The day before my grandfather became critically ill was also the day before Su Chengyi’s final exam.
He was leaning on the hospital bed, and there was nothing unusual except for his pale face.
Su Chengyi took out the chess board from his schoolbag. This was an activity the two had agreed on yesterday.
Grandpa played chess as ruthlessly as ever, and Su Chengyi concentrated on it, not daring to be distracted at all.
The two of them play chess like a wily and experienced old general against a young and energetic new general. It is a completely different style of chess.
Halfway through a game of chess, the attending doctor pushed open the door and walked in. Yang Liu and Su Zelang came forward nervously.
Grandpa coughed and signaled Su Chengyi to close the chessboard.
"There is some progress. Go back and have a good rest. When your exam is over, we can continue."
However, this separation is like a separation between heaven and man forever.
Su Chengyi was not able to see his grandfather for the last time, and the game of chess became an eternal endgame.
In his mind, this game of chess has been played out countless times, with countless possibilities.
Su Chengyi was trapped in that chess game for a long time. When he closed his eyes, he was always thinking about it.
Why did that horse end up in that position, and whether the exchange for the cannon was a loss or not.
However, all of this has become a proposition that will never have an answer.
Because the person who can give the answer is no longer there, the white clouds are empty for thousands of years.
At this moment, Chen Jinzhi was standing in front of him, but Su Chengyi clearly felt that what was going on between the two was such a farewell.
Death and life will never meet again.
After realizing this, Su Chengyi was like a robot with a malfunctioning program, his thoughts were confused and his brain was at a loss.
I don’t know if he noticed his confusion, but Chen Jinzhi suddenly reached out his hand and gently rubbed his head.
The same gentleness as before, as gentle and soothing as the clouds falling on the body.
Chen Jinzhi sighed softly, scorning his own heart that had not been able to harden at all until this very moment.
Ming Ming had already felt heart-breaking pain, but he still couldn't see him get upset for a moment.
"You know, Teacher Su."
After a long time, she spoke again.
Su Chengyi raised his head and looked into her eyes.
“These days, I have thought of many answers you might give me.
Maybe you will say that after weighing the balance, a girl like her is more suitable for you, mine Emotions are too heavy and are a burden to you
You may say that in fact, you have never figured out what kind of feelings you have for me. In the final analysis, pity and sympathy may account for the most part, which is still a certain distance from true love.
Of course, it is also possible that you will say that you have figured it out, that you love me and hope that I can forgive you.
Even in my imagination, I can't even pretend to scold you. I just feel extremely lucky. Fortunately, fortunately, you chose me. "
There was no blame in Chen Jinzhi's eyes. His voice rose slightly, and his tone was as gentle as an intimate whisper between lovers.
But the words she was speaking sounded like It's like a farewell letter.
"But in the end, I didn't expect that you never thought about making a decision from the beginning. Therefore, my long-term expectations and waiting, internal friction and self-destruction are all meaningless in the final analysis.
I have never been a possible choice for you, and you have never thought of loving me wholeheartedly. Saying it like this seems less cruel than when I just realized it."
At this point, she said. Suddenly he raised the corners of his lips and smiled slightly with a hint of self-deprecation.
Su Chengyi lowered her head with difficulty and wanted to make a few arguments to counter her conclusion. No matter how weak the argument was, it was at least better than silence.
But he couldn't do it.
Because Chen Jinzhi was not wrong.
From the moment he realized that he fell in love with two people, he never really tried hard to make a choice.
The two people in front of him are too beautiful. If you choose one end of the scale, the other end will fall and be broken.
It was too difficult to make such a choice. Su Chengyi stood at the fork in the road and could never take that step.
So, going through a reverse journey in life and living it again, he is really greedy and only wants to achieve perfection.
But he didn't want to think about how cruel harm such a consummation would bring to both of them at first.
Only in this final Shura field can he feel such real pain, and Chen Jinzhi has endured it alone for a long time, just for that slim glimmer of hope.
And today, the last glimmer of hope she had hoped for was finally shattered.
That’s why she is so calm, because grief is greater than death.
“I don’t blame you, you saved me from the beginning. You pulled me out of the quagmire with your own hands. You said you knew I would become a big star in the future. You liked me, you Stay with me.”
"So, I once thought that you were a gift given to me by fate. Because of your existence, I was willing to cancel all my previous sufferings. You are the whole meaning of my life, and you are the person to whom I can safely entrust all my feelings. He was the one who I thought would never betray me or deceive me.
I even thought that I could get through. By loving your projection, I slowly learned how to love myself.”
“But I should have known earlier that I relied on you and relied on you to finally build a complete me, so that’s why. Fragile, so easy to fall apart.
One of your frivolous choices is enough to destroy everything about me. ”
Chen Jinzhi's long hair was fluttering in the wind. She looked pale, but she didn't feel sorry for herself.
"How strange you say, I know clearly that what you gave me is only a part of the love, but I always feel very happy for it.
Looking at what you sent me through the screen I am very happy to write a brief report. I am also very happy to hear your voice on the phone. During the time when I can’t see you, I just think of you in the world. Such a person will feel very happy.”
“But maybe happiness is fleeting. Whenever I start to feel happy, sadness has already begun to count down.
In fact. I am the one who should understand this truth, right? Teacher Su.”
Having said this, Chen Jinzhi sighed softly.
6◇9◇书◇Bar
Of course Su Chengyi understands why she said that.
Chen Jinzhi has experienced too much, which is why she is so defensive about everything.
Gentle but distant, this is the impression most people have of her.
The sincerity and affection she showed towards him was probably the last love she showed towards this world.
Su Chengyi lowered his head and watched the rotating leaves falling to his feet.
But he didn’t cherish it.
“If you think about it carefully, my life is like that kind of boring tragic script. Anyone who reads it will just shake their head and sigh.
Every time I think it might be possible When I get better, fate will give me a blow on the head and make me fall to the bottom again, and I will be willing to fall hard.”
"When I was a child, I thought my mother's illness was getting better. She no longer lost her temper so frequently and would look at me quietly and smile.
That day she even cooked a pot of porridge for me and washed it for me. Change of school uniforms.
But what? She died before I could be happy. < br>
She was even afraid that she would survive to see me again, so she ruined herself into that, so she was willing to jump off the building. "
"When I grew up, I thought I would wait until I debuted. , if you have your own job, you can no longer live like that.
However, it was my teammates who I worked with day and night who blamed me for causing them problems. Several years of hard work went to waste and I was back to where I started, with only one more debt that was astronomical to me at the time.
While sitting on the roof of the company that night, I suddenly understood what my mother was thinking when she made the decision to leave. ”
“Later, I met you. "
The tip of Chen Jinzhi's hair was lifted by the wind and brushed against the delicate collarbone leaking from her collar.
"Maybe fate is kind, thinking that this will make me smarter, but how can I I know that after all these years I still haven’t made any progress.
It is always easy to misunderstand your little pity as love, and self-righteously thinks that I must return your love a thousand times a hundred times. So I chase you and work hard to give you my heart.
I always forget how much my heart is worth. "
Her confession, every word of which she wept, was like telling the life of a rose, from blooming slowly to withering in a moment.
Su Chengyi could not remember the last time Chen Jin showed such vulnerability. What was her expression like? Or maybe she has never been as depressed as she is now.
It is indeed the cruelest thing to give someone hope and then kill it with your own hands.
Chen Jinzhi didn't seem to be waiting for his answer, nor did she need his comfort. She just continued:
"But, I can still give everything for you now."
That's it. , she paused slightly, as if she suddenly thought of something, and raised her eyes to look at Su Chengyi.
“Yes, you don’t want my heart, but what about this life?
If you want my life, I will give it to you.”
Her eyes were serious and she was obviously not joking.
The weight contained in these words was so heavy that Su Chengyi felt like it was stuck in his throat. He tried to open his mouth several times but could not say anything.
Because this is more like a farewell signal than a confession.
The implication is very clear, that is, she can still give him everything, including life.
Except for her love, except for staying by his side.
"Su Chengyi."
Chen Jinzhi looked at him and spoke softly.
"While waiting for you these days, my tears have probably dried up long ago. You will never understand how it feels.
So, I will wish you to leave You will bear all the hardships and sorrows I will endure."
As soon as she finished speaking, she smiled softly.
"I lied to you, I wish you well."
Suddenly, Su Chengyi's memory went back, and he briefly flashed back to the moment when she was like a little fox slyly making fun of him, instead of the current moment where there was no change. The farewell moment of the room.
"I'm sorry."
After a while, Su Chengyi pressed his aching heart, raised his head and said.
However, if you don’t give up, you still don’t want to give up.
For a long time, he asked word by word:
"If... would you do it?"
"Let me go."
Chen Jinzhi spoke in a very soft tone , her eyelashes trembled slightly when she raised her eyes to look at him.
After a while, she suddenly raised her hand and traced it gently with her cold fingertips, as if she wanted to remember his features.
Their eyes met for the first time in a long time, just a breath away.
Today Chen Jinzhi still has the familiar smell of new tea after the rain. Su Chengyi looked into her eyes, and her words of "let go" that seemed to have exhausted all her strength echoed in her ears.
The wind in the mountains blew between the two of them, dragging the heartbreak and sadness between the lovers' eyes into the deep valley, never to return.
The fluttering kite finally flew away from his hand.
The string is broken and the mirror is missing.
Morning dew Xi, fragrant time to rest.
The bald head groans, it hurts to leave, try to eat more and don’t miss my concubine.
Jinshuitangtang, a long-lasting relationship with you.
(End of this chapter)