Chapter 304 Overseas Crosstalk Performance
The crosstalk continued. Qi Long talked about Dongqiang’s father’s overseas study experience, and then sighed:
"Your father studied very well. After graduating, he returned to China for about two years and took care of food and housing!"
Dong Qiang smiled and said, "Have you found the unit?"
"Going to jail!"
"Oh? The prison cafeteria, cooking for prisoners?"
Qi Long waved his hand: "No, no, no, he is the prisoner who eats!"
"Ah? Then it's better to take care of food and control." Dong Qiang turned over the bag amid everyone's laughter, which escalated the laughter to a new level.
After the laughter subsided, Dong Qiang dragged Qi Long and asked: "No, how can you learn how to cook and end up in jail?"
Qi Long shook his head regretfully: "Hey, I was framed! Oh, I still feel sorry for the old man. Your father just stole something in the kitchen!"
Dong Qiang immediately said with a serious face: "Then you should be caught stealing things!"
"If the cook does not steal, the grain will not be harvested."
"No one can steal this nonsense!"
"The chef industry is not called stealing"
"That's what it's called?"
"炰(fou), even the leftovers from cooking can't be put on the plate. You can take them home for your family to eat!"
Dong Qiang was confused: "Scrap?"
"That's right. Your family ran out of salt that day. He used his fingers to twist the salt for two dishes at work and took it home. Is this worth ten years?"
Dongqiang's serious face immediately changed: "That's really not worth ten years."
“Sometimes there is no MSG at home, so get some MSG!”
"It's all a trivial matter!"
"Sometimes there is a bit left over from chopping green onions, a little bit left over from chopping ginger, the oil that is not easy to pour out from the bottom of the bottle, a little bit of lard residue from refining lard suet."
Qi Long said one by one, Dong Qiang was standing by: No, it's a trivial matter, not worth anything
While talking about this precious thing, something is wrong.
"The big shovel for cooking in the kitchen, the big spoon for stirring the pot, the pot for cooking, the stove in the canteen, the glass of the canteen window, the tables, chairs and benches for eating."
Dong Qiang couldn't say "Isn't that enough?" at this moment. After saying "Huh?", he looked at Qi Long in surprise.
Speaking of "tables, chairs and benches for eating", Dongqiang said: "The past ten years have not been unfair!"
The audience started to laugh, but Qi Long still said: "The fans on the ceiling, the tiles on the floor, the waiters in the restaurant!"
When he came to the waiter, the laughter escalated to the maximum decibel level.
Dong Qiang was also surprised: "The waiter stole it too?"
"Steal what you can use and use it yourself, and sell everything you can't!"
Dong Qiang exclaimed: "It's not too much to shoot him!"
"Later, the leaders of the unit went to the cafeteria and burst into tears. They cried and talked there."
"say what?"
"I remember our unit has a canteen!"
Dong Qiang waved his hand quickly: "Don't look for it, let my father go back!"
Qi Longshu continued from the previous article: "In this way, the old man was framed."
"This is not a frame-up, he deserves it!"
"The old man behaved well in prison. He often helped in the kitchen and so on. He was supposed to be imprisoned for ten years, but he was released half a day early!"
There was an obvious pause, which again brought laughter from the audience.
"If I were him, I would sit full and don't owe him half the day."
Qi Long counted on his fingers: "Your father has been squatting for nine years and more than three hundred and sixty-six days and a half."
"Wait a minute, you're not counting half a day right. If I wasn't released half a day early, why did I have to squat for an extra day and a half?"
Qi Long said confidently: "Leap year! There is one every four years. In the first two leap years in ten years, there are two extra days and half a day!"
This time, in addition to bursts of laughter, there was also applause. I was hit by this unexpected burden!
"Oh, rigorous!"
"After squatting for nine years, three hundred and sixty-six days and a half, you were just four years old when you got home!"
"Yes." Dong Qiang stopped him after saying: "This is wrong. My father has been in prison for ten years. Is it okay for me to be four years old?"
"So you two are not familiar with each other."
"Then it's not that you're not familiar with it, that's okay!"
"Look, you don't know, right? A person's birthday counts as one year old!"
"right!"
"You were born on the 29th of February in a leap year. You have had four birthdays, so you are four years old, which is actually sixteen years old!"
"Just say you are sixteen. This is so easy for people to misunderstand!"
Then Qi Long said that it was precisely because Dongqiang did not have his father with him during the ten years of elementary school and junior high school from the age of six to sixteen, and his father was still in prison. He had low self-esteem in school and could not hold his head up, so after his father was released from prison, he also Not close.
The father and son had nothing to do with each other as strangers in the family. The old man felt uncomfortable. He had to find someone to pass on his cooking skills, especially the Nxima recipe.
So I found Dong Qiang's cross talk partner Qi Long.
"The old man said that he would make me his godfather and pass on all his cooking skills to me!"
"Is this ridiculous? My father is so old that he accepts you as his godfather?"
"Add him to be my godfather"
"It's still weird, just say you call my dad godfather!"
"Yes, I call your father godfather!"
The story continues, the godfather told Qi Long all his life experience of studying abroad, including the recipe of Enxima, so Qi Long only knew it so well.
The most important thing is that the old man passed on the chef's secret skill "炰" to Qi Long.
"Hey, don't just follow this blindly. If you go in for another ten years, I'll have to talk alone!" Dong Qiang reminded.
Qi Long nodded: "Don't worry, your father has learned the lesson from the failure. Chef Chao, you can't be too harsh. You only attack the ingredients and hide them well. If he doesn't find out, he can't tell the chef. We went out last winter." He's gone!"
This was the official start of the work. It was said that Dongqiang's father took Qi Long to a house where a wedding was held to make a flowing banquet for someone. The host's house prepared twenty tables of ingredients.
The two of them went over and took a look. Oops, there was half a pig!
“Your father immediately became happy when he saw it, Xian!”
He took out a kitchen knife and chopped off the pig's tail. Dong Qiang thought he was going to take the pig's tail away, but Qi Long said that half of the pig's quilt was hung behind Qi Long's back and covered with a cotton coat.
In this session, Qi Long started to show off his kung fu. He stood on the stage without any physical performance and carried half a pig on his back. He couldn't bear the weight and would fall straight behind his back.
He really fell backward. When the temperature reached more than 60 degrees, Dong Qiang went over to help him up.
Then the beef and mutton were hung in the front, and the cotton clothes were used to block it, so that the front and back were consistent and stable.
The left arm was filled with rice and the cuffs were tied tightly. The left arm sank and fell to the left again.
I stuffed my right arm with real beef balls and stood firm again.
The left leg is a variety of chicken and duck offal, and the right leg is a variety of pig and cow offal.
There was a circle of fans around his neck, covered with a scarf.
There is a tofu puff on the head, which is held up with a hat. Every time he saw the same ingredient, Qi Long would say: "Your father will immediately be happy when he sees it, Xian!"
Later, the audience shouted "炰" together, and the effect was quite good.
I can't walk fast with all the ingredients in my body. How do I leave the kitchen? Dongqiang's father gave an idea and got an ear pick. He picked his ears while walking forward slowly.
At the same time, the performance was performed without physical objects. He wore heavy objects all over his body and walked with his ears covered, which aroused applause.
"In the end, it was bad luck and it happened to my master. Your father wanted me to leave quickly, so he said I was sick and asked me to go back first. The worst he could do was to put himself in jail for another ten years. I, the apprentice, would have to take care of him. He learned it, and his son can’t live without a partner!
The owner refused and insisted on asking me to check the accounts together. At this time, I got anxious and sneeze, and white tofu brains came out of my head. "
"Ouch, the secret is exposed!"
"Your father pointed at me and said to the family, let the child go quickly, the child is very sick."
"Why doesn't it work?"
"My brains are all leaking out!"
Dong Qiang waved his hand: "Fuck you!"
At this point, the cross talk ended, and the two took a step back and bowed, which was met with passionate applause and shouts.
In addition to this program, after the international art students performed some programs and Cai Ming and Xu Fan sang two songs, Qi Long and Dong Qiang came up with a second program: "AI Cure".
After taking the stage, Qi Long said that he had been on a plane for a long time and his neck hurt. He heard that sometimes there is no need to go to the hospital directly when you are sick. You can directly tell AI your little questions online, and AI will answer you with a high probability. What kind of disease is it? Maybe a plaster will cure it.
"But, I have been busy all day today, and the AI didn't give me an answer!"
Dong Qiang looked disdainful: "You don't know how to use it, do you?"
"Hey, don't look down on people. You play me and I play AI. You won't be able to ask."
Dong Qiang didn't believe it, so the two started to try.
This program was originally called "Expert Consultation Hotline" and was conducted over the phone. In line with the current times, Qi Long changed it to an online AI consultation.
Dong Qiang clicked to enter the web page, and Qi Long's mechanical voice spoke: "Hello, welcome to the You Are Sick, I Have Medicine AI service project. If you use English, please return 1."
"Hey, you still have English? Let me try."
Qi Long said hello: "Hi!"
"Hi" Dongqiang pretended to be typing words on the keyboard with both hands.
"howareyou! (How are you?)"
Dongqiang continued typing, giving a standard answer: "I'm fine, thank you, how about you? (I'm finethankyou, andyou)"
After saying this, Qi Long pointed directly at Dong Qiang: "Huaxia people, which English service do you choose?",
The international students in the audience burst into laughter. This confused the sisters in the tour group. How did they know they were Chinese? Isn’t this the right answer to this question? Basically, this is what is taught in the first lesson of Huaxia English class. I remember it well!
This is typical, and you don't get the laughs.
However, the cross talk actor said that cross talk must be explained clearly, so Dong Qiang asked on behalf of the person who didn't understand why he was laughing: "How do you know that I am from China?"
"Only we Chinese people who speak English can say this according to a fixed sentence structure. When foreigners hear how are you, they may say "good" to express good, but we Chinese people don't. We will answer the first standard answer learned in the textbook. , In fact, this kind of answer looks very pretentious to foreigners, and they will tease you like Shakespeare!”
Dong Qiang was confused: "Very pretentious? Shakespeare?"
"If you use written words verbally, you will be very pretentious. Let me give you an example in our Chinese language. For example, if I say hello to you, you answer me hello. Is it normal?!"
"It's normal. How about pretending?"
"I said hello here, and you said: It's okay. I'm fine, sir!"
"That's quite pretentious. It means that English speakers don't answer greetings in such an official manner!"
"Yes!"
This is the laughing point of international students. They are more or less asked "Howareyou" by foreigners as NPCs, just to hear their serious answers!
Let’s start again, Qi Long continues: Please answer one for English, please answer two for Ox and Horse languages.
Dong Qiang, who originally planned to choose Chinese directly, was intrigued by this option and chose this one.
Qi Long immediately started an exaggerated applause, just like the pattern of encouraging each other in the morning in the sales company. When applauding, he had to rotate his body greatly, with one palm on his head and one palm on his waist. Rotate, rotate the palm on your head to the palm on your waist, and make an exaggerated clapping motion.
At the same time, Qi Long shouted: "Workers, working souls, iron wills and tattoos on their bodies; if you don't work hard today, your boss can only drive a Xiali; as long as you endure hardships, your boss will drive a Land Rover; don't I hate working too much overtime and want to buy a new car for my boss. Nine-nine-six is a blessing and a slogan of struggle!"
"Such a beast?"
"After listening to this slogan, are you still asking me about medical treatment? Why don't you go work overtime quickly?"
"Hey, I forgot that I'm here to treat a disease!"
Starting over, this time the first two did not affect Dongqiang, so he directly chose the third Chinese, and then entered the advertisement.
[You will lose weight as soon as you drink it. This product is safe and has no side effects. The product is made of precious materials such as croton, rhubarb, and castor oil (all of which cause diarrhea?). It will ensure your weight loss to the end. Let’s hear what Ms. Li has to say. Feel. 】
Qi Long came with a female voice: "My measurements used to be 130.140.130. Since I started using the slimming slimming tea, my measurements have directly changed to 38, 38, 38. Come and lose weight with me." , I am really happy now, so happy, so happy~"
As he spoke, Qi Long told Dong Qiang: "There is a skip advertisement in the upper right corner."
After the reminder, he immediately continued: "Have a good time."
Dongqiang said: "Hurry up and skip the advertisement."
"Members skip the advertising service and it is the cheapest for continuous annual subscription. I wish you can come to our AI for medical treatment every day for 365 days."
"Isn't this a curse? If you don't open it, you can't open it!"
Go back and start advertising from scratch.
This was obviously a satirical video advertisement. Everyone who heard it also got the joke and started laughing. Dong Qiang stopped Qi Long and told him to stop talking and go directly to the next step.
The commercial is over, let’s start talking about diseases. For head diseases, please return one, and for shoulder diseases, please return two.
When Dongqiang heard that he had no neck, he chose a brain disease.
"Are you mentally ill?"
"No, I have a cervical spondylosis!"
"What are you going to do if you have a disease in your cervical spine? I suspect that you do have a brain disease, a cerebral thrombosis, a missing brainstem, a brain defect, an incomplete brain development, and a completely underdeveloped cerebellum."
"Isn't this a curse? Go back, go back!"
After listening to it again, there was no neck. At this time, AI reminded me again. Members can choose AI one-on-one service. They don’t have to choose a disease and will tell you the answer directly.
Dong Qiang couldn't bear it anymore, so he opened up and said that his cervical spine was not good.
Qi Long came up with a smooth brainwashing speech with an accent:
"The cervical spine is not good, the cervical spine? The neck is the neck, and the vertebra is the vertebrae. These are two completely different concepts. The neck is commonly known as the neck. The neck is the language of life. For example, when you go to the vegetable market, you have to tell people that you are If you buy a chicken neck, they will give you a chicken neck, but if you tell people you want to buy a chicken neck, won’t they know?”
"What is all this mess?"
"The cone is the cavity in your neck. The neck is the neck, and the cone is the cone. You can't call the neck a cone, and you can't call the cone a neck. If you mistake the neck for a cone, then the cone will be called a cone. You think of it as a neck. Only when you understand that a neck is a neck will you know that a cone is a cone, a cone is a cone, a cone is a cone, a cone is a cone, and a cone is a cone. Do you understand? "
"I'm totally confused. My cervical vertebra hurts. Can you tell me what's wrong with me?"
"Ouch, it's most likely that the neck becomes painful due to squeezing."
"This is pretty reliable!"
"It affects the blood flow to the brain. If this continues, you will be paralyzed!"
"What should we do?"
"Don't be anxious, don't panic. If you are sick, we have medicine and AI will give you a clear path!"
"What clear path?"
"Go to the hospital!"
"Fuck you!"
The former one is Guo Yu's "The Kitchen Kitchen", which is very interesting, and the latter one is "Expert Consultation" by Li Weijian and Wu Bin. The cervical spine section has brainwashed me for more than 20 years
( End of this chapter)