That winter, the cold wind howled in the valley, making a frightening roar. There are large trees dozens of meters high hanging around the mountain. The dead branches on them were scraped and prickled, as if they were about to fall into a hundred-foot-high abyss in the next second.
10-year-old Zhao Xu was running against the wind on a rugged mountain road with his schoolbag slung over his body. The stones on the road were so sharp that they were like invisible knives, causing pain on the soles of his feet.
The twists and turns that stretch for several kilometers, driven by habit, even if one foot is deep and the other is shallow in the gravel, it is like walking on flat ground to her.
The little girl's forehead hair was blown by the wind, flying everywhere, and blurred in front of her eyes. She just flipped it up, took a deep breath, and continued to run forward.
Although Zhao Xu ran out of breath, he never stopped. The breath he exhaled condensed into white frost and drifted away in wisps.
Now, she only wants to go home and read a book, and doesn't care about that much.
The enthusiasm of her soul collided with the cold wind, causing her to sneeze.
After running for an unknown amount of time, Zhao Xu finally reached the door of her house. She leaned down, put her hands on her legs, and lowered her head to breathe.
Later, I realized that there was a pain in the soles of my feet.
However, it was nothing in her heart.
Zhao Xu limped over, sat on the steps at the door, found the book in his bag, and immediately immersed himself in the ocean of knowledge.
Her life has been so monotonous for as long as she can remember:
Going to school, after school, squatting at the door reading, doing homework...and then day after day, it seems to have entered a cycle.
This kind of life seems monotonous, but every time Zhao Xu turns a page, the faint fragrance of ink brought by the pages is the most reassuring, and the unchanging life can pass quietly.
At that time, the cold wind escaping from the mountain stream headed towards the high ground - in the direction of Zhao Xu's home.
The cold wind rushed towards Zhao Xu, making the pages of the book rattle.
Her first reaction was not to wrap up her down jacket tightly, but to hold down the book to prevent it from being blown away by the wind.
The strong wind hit only for a moment and then calmed down. Zhao Xu's little hand, which was tightly protecting the book, was already red from the cold. She only rubbed it twice before continuing to read.
The wind came suddenly, disrupting her reading progress.
This book, "My Profession is a Novelist" by Haruki Murakami, was a book she finally found from the school's library, which had a very small collection of books. It can be regarded as a book with literary content.
Zhao Xu sighed softly and was about to turn back the page he saw. When he unfolded a sentence on the page, he fell into those clear eyes.
[Suffering is the foreshadowing of flowers blooming, and winter always prefaces spring. ]
Each word is so simple, but when they are combined, there is a shock that transcends the scope of words.
It seemed that this winter, every winter in her life, would usher in a warm spring.
At that time, Zhao Xu, who rarely saw a smile on his face, broke out into a smile that could warm the depths of winter.
"Ouch."
Suddenly something hit her in the head.
Zhao Xu raised his head and looked at the culprit - the shell wind chimes that were originally tied in front of the door. Because of the strong wind just now, one of them blew loose and fell straight on the girl's head.
She picked it up, brushed off the dust on the surface, rubbed it again to make sure it was not reassuring, and carefully followed the lines with her fingers to push out the mud hidden in the seams of the shellfish.
The edge of the shell was sharp, and her finger was scratched with a shallow blood mark. Zhao Xu seemed to feel no pain. After wiping the shell clean, he raised it above his head and placed it in the sun, as if he were looking at a treasure.
The sun, the shell, and her eyes are three dots and one line. The red and yellow textured shell shines under the sun, flowing with short-term warmth.
Zhao Xu held the shell in his hands as if he had the most precious treasure in the world, and smiled with a pair of dimples on his lips.
This wind chime was a gift from her mother, and she would definitely take good care of it.
Thinking of this, Zhao Xu's smile stopped at the corner of his mouth, he held his chin with one hand and looked into the distance expectantly.
The rugged mountains and rocks between the green cliffs block the way home and also cut off the pass out.
Zhao Xu sat at the door every day, rain or shine, waiting and waiting for more than 700 days and nights.
But mother still didn't come back.
She always remembered that her mother once said:
"When I come back, I will pick you up and take you to see the sea."
Thoughts sent far away gather into a point, and then come back as the wind blows, right between the eyebrows.
Thinking of his mother who had not yet returned, Zhao Xu wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes and continued to immerse himself in books.
She took this opportunity to escape from this episode, which made her heart ache with longing.
"Zhao Xu!"
The voices of the little boy and the little girl sounded at the same time. Zhao Xu raised his head and saw Zhao Momo smiling at him, and smiled back at him.
But when she noticed the sloppy and silly Zhao Pu beside her, her smile immediately disappeared.
Zhao Xu knew that this boy, apart from not being very hygienic, was honest and honest.
However, she just hated him for no reason.
When she was very young, she learned from people around her:
I might want to marry him in the future.
Zhao Xu had the urge to jump off a cliff just thinking about it.
What the hell do you think you are still following these feudal dross even after the Qing Dynasty has been dead for many years?
Why should she be arranged clearly?
The two children, of course, didn't know what she was thinking. Zhao Pu sat down next to her diligently, and Zhao Xu moved away.
Zhao Pu didn't notice the other party's discomfort and said happily: "Let's go play hide and seek! Everyone is here!"
"I won't go." Zhao Xu continued to read without raising his head or opening his eyes, decisively refusing.
Seeing that his friend had been obsessed with reading, Zhao Mo Mo also sat down and sincerely invited:
"Go ahead, go ahead, everyone wants to play!" he said while shaking her arm.
I know silently that this good friend is the most soft-spoken person.
In fact, it was indeed the case. Zhao Xu paused for a moment while turning the pages of the book, fighting in his heart.
She is not a sociable person, and she is not a person who likes to be lively.
It's not that she is afraid of communication, but that she is simply tired of dealing with so many people. She prefers to sit alone and read a book than to be in a mess.
"Well...then..."
Just as Zhao Xu was about to agree, Zhao Pu suddenly became excited and added: "Teacher Li is going too!"
Hearing this name, Zhao Xu felt as if he suddenly fell into an ice cellar. His whole body was cold, he couldn't stop shivering, and his breathing became heavy.
Teacher Li came from other places to teach and is currently a third-grade Chinese teacher. He wears a pair of glasses. He is usually polite and speaks softly to the students. The students like him very much.
Except...
Seeing her panting out of breath, the two children were frightened. Zhao Momo waved his hand in front of her eyes, with a worried look on his face: "Xuxu, are you okay?"
"I'm fine." Zhao Xu stood up immediately and breathed calmly.
"Sorry, my dad told me to go home for dinner, so I'm leaving first." She didn't care to look at her friend's expression and hurriedly ran back home.
……
"Why are you back so early and not reading anymore?"
Sun Haoran saw that his daughter came back unusually early today, put out his cigarette, got up and went to the kitchen to put away the food.
Zhao Xu looked away, "I don't want to watch anymore, I'm tired of watching." Then he sat down directly, feeling uneasy and able to lean on him.
Only she knows how disgusting Teacher Li, who looks like a human, is in reality.
Whenever Zhao Xu handed him homework, he would either take the opportunity to touch the girl's hand, or deliberately rub her chest.
At first, she wondered if she was overthinking it, until she saw that Li Wu was also touching other little girls in the class.
"It's time to eat." Sun Haoran's emotionless tone interrupted her trance.
As usual, the father and daughter ate and sat speechless to each other.
Dinner is very simple: fried rape with mushrooms, fried cauliflower with tomatoes, and grilled lamb chops.
Zhao Xu thought it would be troublesome to dismantle the mutton chops, so he simply chose vegetables to eat.
She picked up a piece of hand green, put it under the light and looked at it, smiled, and suddenly thought with revenge:
If the man surnamed Li eats unfamiliar Jianshouqing, will he die?
It would be great if I could die.
Seeing his daughter's strange expression, Sun Haoran tore open a piece of mutton chop, picked it up and put the meat on her plate.
"If I don't prepare it for you, will you not know how to eat? Just eat the food? I will be hungry again in the evening." Zhao Xu bit his chopsticks, and his already thin cheeks became even more dented.
She looked at her father motionless, but when the words came to her lips, she couldn't say them.
"What's wrong?" Sun Haoran put down the bones in his hands and wiped his hands with a tissue.
After a while, Zhao Xu's face dropped and he hesitated: "I... don't want to go to school tomorrow."
Whenever she was close to Li Wu, she would be too scared to raise her head for fear of meeting those dirty eyes.
"Why?" Sun Haoran was puzzled, "Don't you just like reading?"
Shame was causing trouble. Zhao Xu didn't want to explain so much, but just insisted: "I just don't want to go."
"Okay." Sun Haoran put down the bowl, raised his eyebrows, and said casually: "Just wait until you get married in seven or eight years."
"I don't!" Zhao Xu stood up immediately and glared so hard that the stool fell to the ground.
Sun Haoran continued to pick up the food and glanced at her, "Then stop talking crazy."
It doesn't matter if you don't mention this, Zhao Xu gets angry when he mentions this, stares at him unconvinced, and asks: "Why do they all say that I want to marry Zhao Pu!"
"I don't want to marry him!"
Sun Haoran put down his chopsticks, pondered for a long time, and said: "You are still young, eat first."
There were too many interest disputes and ancestral disputes involved here, and he couldn't explain them at the moment.
Even though he knew that he would get such an answer every time he asked, Zhao Xu was still unwilling to give in. He punched the cotton and stepped on it twice.
"Isn't it Zhao Pu's grandfather..."
In that famine era when people were starving all over the land, eating was a problem. Zhao Pu's grandfather once saved Sun Haoran's family who was on the verge of starving to death. In order to repay their kindness, the Sun family arranged an absurd marriage.
Having said this, Zhao Xu quickly shut his mouth. There are some things that he only needs to understand in his heart, but saying it to his mouth will eventually break the established stability.
Sure enough, Sun Haoran raised his eyes and said displeasedly: "Who told you?"
Zhao Xu felt very guilty and said like a mosquito: "My mother..."
Snap!
Hearing these two words, Sun Haoran immediately darkened his face, slapped his chopsticks on the table, suppressed his anger and waved his hands, "Eat if you want, or study if you don't want to eat."
Zhao Xu didn't dare to stay any longer, so he hurriedly sneaked back to the house with his schoolbag, and then fell into endless annoyance, regretting why he told his mother's story.
Her parents have been at odds with each other for a long time, and when one mentions the other's name, both of them can't hide their annoyance towards each other.
The sourness that has been stuck in my heart has been accumulating for years, almost ready to break out.
The cathartic Xu Xue fell into the incomprehensible river and wetted the half-read book.
At this moment, she really missed her mother.
Zhao Xu would occasionally complain and reflect on himself, why did his mother only take his sister away? Does it mean she didn't like him?
Why? Mom wants to leave me here alone?
This is the question that Zhao Xu has thought about the most.
Tears spread on the paper, like a small boat that strayed into an island in the lake and lost its place, unable to reach the shore.
It was a book borrowed from the library. Zhao Xu didn't dare to delay any longer. He took out a tissue and wiped it carefully, and finally managed to save it.
She looked at the open book on the table, her eyes still fixed on that sentence.
After staring for a long time, Zhao Xu took out a brand new four-line grid book from the drawer and transcribed it in Juanxiu's neat font:
[Suffering is the foreshadowing of flowers blooming, and winter always prefaces spring. ]
From then on, Zhao Xu had his first diary.
This is a secret that only belongs to you.
……
Because he cried a lot last night, Zhao Xu slept well and went out feeling refreshed.
She wasted her time, deliberately avoiding Zhao Pu, and found a path to go to school.
As usual, all kinds of people came towards her, including an aunt who touched her head, an old man who gave her candy, and a big sister who praised her beauty...
It was supposed to be a bright morning. After Zhao Xu said goodbye to his eldest sister with a smile, as soon as he turned around, the smile froze on his face.
The middle-aged man who walked towards him was a gangster from the east end of the village. He was still a bachelor in his forties and idled around all day. It was said that he often harassed little girls in front of the canteen.
A chill came from his back. Zhao Xu lowered his head, held his breath, and quickened his pace, fearing that he would be stared at.
When she passed by the man, she could smell something similar to heather, which made her almost vomit.
"Isn't this the daughter of the old Sun family?" The man smiled evilly, put his hands in his pockets, and looked at her maliciously.
Zhao Xu's palms were already wet with sweat. He used all his life's composure to pretend not to hear and moved forward with all his strength.
But the man followed her shamelessly, whistling and speaking frivolously: "The breasts are well developed, better than those of Widow Chen in the west of the village..."
The dirty words hit his ears so directly, Zhao Xu felt hateful, anxious, and extremely humiliated.
So what is the meaning of living for such a person...
She stopped and boldly turned around to glare at the man, determined to make him suffer.
While the man was stunned, she leaned down and picked up a stone larger than her hand from the ground.
"Get out!" Zhao Xu shouted angrily, and without a moment's hesitation, he threw the stone in his hand.
The man couldn't dodge, and the stone hit his feet hard.
By the time he reacted, the intense pain had pulled at his nerves violently, causing him to scream in agony, which echoed in the empty valley.
Zhao Xu felt very relieved. He pinched his waist with both hands and pointed at the man, "I tell you, if you dare to talk nonsense again, I will ask my father to beat you!"
Then she didn't bother to look at the man's embarrassment, carrying her schoolbag and walking briskly towards the elementary school.
As soon as she entered the school, Zhao Xu met Zhao Momo and Zhao Pu who were walking together. When the latter saw her, he walked up to her enthusiastically and handed her a plastic bag with an insulated lunch box inside.
"These are the buns made by my mother. She asked me to bring them to you." Zhao Pu smiled naively, his cheeks as red as apples.
Zhao Xu immediately declined, "I don't like eating steamed buns. Thank you auntie for me and I won't accept them."
It's not that she doesn't like eating steamed buns, it's that she doesn't like what Zhao Pu gave her.
Because accepting it would mean acquiescing to the "baby kiss", and she didn't want to.
Zhao Momo noticed the sand on her friend's hand. She took the other person's hand and touched the marks made by the stone on it.
"How old are you, still playing with rocks?" She brushed off the dust on it and couldn't help but joke.
Zhao Xu opened the corners of his lips, and a slight dimple appeared at the corner of his mouth. Most of the gloom in his heart was gone, and he immediately pulled the little sisters into class together.
Today was a peaceful day. At least Zhao Xu had not been harassed by the teacher so far. After one class, the teacher didn't pay much attention to her, which made her feel relieved.
After class, Zhao Xu took his seat and copied the ancient poems he learned in this class.
In an instant, a shadow fell, covering her homework book.
A familiar sense of crisis came over, Zhao Xu's heart tightened, and the gel pen fell out of his hand and fell to the ground.
Li Wu picked up the gel pen, put it gently in her hand, pushed up his glasses, bent down and said, "The handwriting is very beautiful."
Zhao Xu subconsciously stepped out, suppressed his strong disgust, and nodded.
"That's right." Li Wu straightened up, put his hands in his pockets, and looked down at the little girl with a complicated expression.
"I have a letter here from your mother."
When Zhao Xu heard the word "mom", he immediately became energetic and his eyes lit up. Then his heart sank again as he judged the authenticity of this sentence.
Lest the little girl didn't believe it, Li Wu continued: "When I went down the mountain that day, I happened to meet the postman delivering a package, and he was sending something to home that should have been your mother."
"This letter was left behind where the postman passed by. It may have fallen out accidentally."
Zhao Xu remembered that his family had indeed received seafood from his mother a few days ago, so the credibility of his words increased a bit.
"Where is the letter?"
As soon as she asked, the class bell rang. Perhaps it was her imagination, as if she saw a cold light flashing through the man's lenses.
After a while, Li Wu returned to his usual soft voice and smiled, "There is one more class before school is over. Come to my office to get it then."
Although Zhao Xu hated this person very much, he probably had his mother's letter in his hand. After a fierce ideological struggle, his longing for his mother finally prevailed.
So the little girl gritted her teeth, suppressed her disgust from the inside out, and agreed to the proposal to go to the office.
By the way... she quietly hid a wallpaper knife in her pocket where no one else could see it.
(End of chapter)
The author said: Dear friends, do you want to see the story of Zhao Xu and Qin Muye's mutual redemption? The two-way redemption of unipolar affective disorder and childhood shadow, write if you want or write if you want ~ Guidance column, please pay more attention ~